Lisa Beveres fight club rules: How to fight fair
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4EXvwqfa598
Since I dont pick fights, but can't avoid them I must de-escalate, defer and insist on fairness. Motivation and Maturity of both partners is paramount to success.
Fight Club Rules: How to Fight Fair 6:25
I want to get into fight club. Maybe some like fight club rules for people that want to be married 6:31 that are married that help you navigate conflict. Well, I'm already hearing number one, don't say words like always 6:38 or never.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4EXvwqfa598
Since I dont pick fights, but can't avoid them I must de-escalate, defer and insist on fairness. Motivation and Maturity of both partners is paramount to success.
Fight Club Rules: How to Fight Fair 6:25
I want to get into fight club. Maybe some like fight club rules for people that want to be married 6:31 that are married that help you navigate conflict. Well, I'm already hearing number one, don't say words like always 6:38 or never.
I think that just berates the problem to a point like you're saying it goes into a character issue. Yeah. Then 6:44 a problem issue. Yeah. Um what would be some other like don't attack the person, attack the problem. Okay. Um the other 6:51 thing I think that is is key is remember and again we're talking about marriage 6:56 and family that you are all on the same team at the end of the day. I mean, 7:03 unless you're in like a a crazy situation where the family is unhealthy or unsafe, and I mean, every family has 7:10 dysfunction. You know, every family has some dysfunction. You just kind of want to the pick the funner dysfunctions, the 7:16 less the least destructive dysfunctions. But our family, one of the things with 7:22 our family is if we're upset, we're not going to say 7:29 something in and then maybe fight even more about it in private. We're just going to be direct with it in the 7:35 moment. We're going to be like, "Hey, this is um this is shockingly refreshing. This is this and then and it 7:41 it's it's done." And um and I think part of that also was I had four boys and then I had a husband and and John would 7:48 say why don't hint. So the clarity is if you want to be 7:54 heard say it the way you'd want to hear it. So when you're in a fight, do you like being attacked? Do 8:02 you like somebody shaming you? Do you like somebody calling you names?
Do you like somebody bringing up your past or do you want solution?
And I I do think if we're fighting for something in a family or in a marriage, we actually shouldn't come to the table till we're ready for solution. And I and I know this is a problem for for me and John when we were first married because John was not liking any kind of conflict. And I was concerned about my idle word count. I was like, I don't want to talk right now because my idle word count is so high.
8:38 I want to be constructive and not reactive.
And so I think sometimes we we have to say to the 8:45 person, don't chase me around the house. I want to get resolution, but I need to 8:51 calm myself down emotionally so I can sit down and be logical and attack the 8:57 problem instead of being overwhelmed by my by my feelings. And so, but still 9:03 circle back to circle back in a way where I can say and I can say I can say 9:08 to my husband, you know what, John, I'm really upset about this, but I want to 9:16 work towards a solution. So, I can acknowledge that I'm upset about this. You can acknowledge with Ardan 9:22 that you're upset about something, but at the end of the day, do you want to just be upset or do you want there to be 9:29 resolution? And I think too many people, they stay in the upset. They stay in the punishment dome. Like, okay, for 9:35 example, for me, when I first when I first got married to John, there were there was some very serious breaches of 9:42 trust in our marriage. Um, and it it wasn't adultery, but it was it was 9:47 something that I had always said, if my husband ever does this, I will divorce him. And it was he was physically rough 9:54 with me. And he had hit me a couple times. And you know, here's the thing. I'm not a shrinking violet. So the first 10:00 time my husband hit me, I picked up the lamp and went after him. So he was like, I'm sorry. Laugh. It is pretty funny. 10:07 And I'm like, wow. Um, but I had made myself a promise growing up. Um, I will 10:13 not ever stay in an ab physically abusive household. And I think because John didn't know how to have a 10:19 constructive conversation and I didn't know to have a constructive conversation, he went into the physical 10:26 frustration realm. And and I and I know that sounds terrible. And I even have to 10:32 I even have to drag up these memories that used to be so on the forefront of my life. So we've been married 43 years 10:39 this year. This was the first three years. And and and I'm not saying it was 10:44 right away. I think it was year two and I had made myself uh a problem and I a 10:51 promise that if my husband ever if this is ever a problem it it it's it's a deal 10:56 breakaker and so I had read a book by Dr. Dobson called love must be tr tough and he talked about when you get in an 11:04 unhealthy pattern you end up enabling something and so I decided to bring it to a crisis and so John came home from 11:10 work and I locked him out and I like called I called out from the upstairs window and I said I don't know where 11:16 you're staying this weekend but it's not here and you're going to need to deal with this and and and I was serious and 11:24 he knew I was serious and and he went he went to somebody's house that beautiful 11:30 family friends that he just said, "I I just need to get away. I just need to pray." He didn't tell me what was going 11:35 on. And then as soon as I knew that John wasn't going to be there for Friday and Saturday, I told him he could come back 11:40 for church because we had to make a Christian appearance. Um, and we weren't in the ministry at the time. Uh, I I 11:47 said, "God, all right, I've got some options for you. You need you need to maybe give my husband a bad dream, maybe 11:54 a lightning strike. I don't want you to kill him because I don't have insurance on him." I mean, I was like I had and I had no children at the time. I was like, 12:01 "This needs to change. This needs to change." And and I remember being so 12:09 frustrated because John was completely wrong, but I wasn't making it easy for 12:18 him to move to a place of health and right. And I remember that every time I 12:26 had a fight with John, I didn't just fight about that incident. I thought about that incident and every incident 12:31 that reminded me of that incident going back to our dating days. I mean, I like the female way. Yeah. I I knew what I 12:37 was wearing. I knew what movie you're in the line for. I mean, it was like ridiculous. And so, I had like supernatural recall where I had all of 12:44 this stuff against John. And every time we had a disagreement, I put it all on the 12:50 table. and and I remember 12:55 uh God saying to me um I'm going to talk about you and he 13:02 was very clear like nope this is not healthy no this is not to be tolerated no you are not to be hurt no you do not 13:08 deserve to be hit no none of this is correct like he was like he wasn't like 13:14 you smarted off and you should have been hit none of that none of that none of that was um part of the conversation 13:21 But he did show me how I had dug a hole and put John in it that John felt like 13:27 he couldn't get out of and and and John had said he was sorry a bunch of times 13:33 and but then something would happen or or I would sometimes Christian I would just get scared something was going to 13:39 happen and then I would escalate it which is ridiculous but I did and again I'm trying to like pull from my memory 13:45 banks but I remember God said when John comes home. I want you to talk to him 13:52 and forgive him the way I forgive you. And you know, every time I've ever come to God and said, you know, I'm so sorry. 14:00 I come to you in the name of Jesus. Father, forgive me for A, B, and C. He's never said to me, you know what, Lisa, 14:07 I'll forgive you when you change. He always says, I believe you 14:13 want to change and I forgive you. I never sense guilt and 14:18 condemnation. I sense I sense a belief of better things. And so I was like, 14:24 "Okay, but there's there's all these things I haven't been able to bring up in a fight before that." And he was 14:29 like, "You're going to have to let go of all of those things. And when John comes home and you need to tell him that you 14:37 believe he wants to change and you forgive him." And I'm like, "Can I can I tell him everything I'm forgiving him of? could I like do the list like I 14:44 forgive you this and this and then there was that one time that you didn't know about and you did this and then and he 14:49 was like no no and I remember John came home and it 14:54 was so hard for me Christian because I had a mother that said to me I'll 15:00 forgive you when you change and I never felt empowered to change I felt like I 15:06 had to earn it earn it earn it earn it and so I remember I looked at my husband I said I believe you want to change and 15:13 I forgive you. And it was so scary, but it was also the end of something that was a very unhealthy pattern. And I 15:20 can't, like I said, I can't even I can barely remember it happening. And I and 15:26 I'm not, again, I'm not I'm not advocating any women stay in abusive situations or are at risk. I never was 15:33 at risk. I I it was it was like WWF wrestling with two stupid people. But um 15:42 I I I believe that forgiveness has to be the entryway to 15:49 healthy family conflict. We cannot bring our fears from our parents. We cannot 15:56 bring anything anybody else has ever done to us to the table. 16:01 Um we have to give everybody a chance to believe the best of them. Yeah. Which is 16:07 not easy. and why we're talking about this because I think some of us all want part of that but it's like how do we 16:14 take that usually the first hard step and when you're saying the story it just comes to mind of um I believe it's in 16:20 Matthew but blessed are the peace makers yes not the peacekeepers I always think 16:25 that's so interesting because it's just keeping the peace that's easy but a peacemaker is what I'm hearing you say 16:31 of okay I'm going to forgive I'm going to humble myself I'm going to not focus on the problem which was there and you 16:36 acknowledge but what's the answer and what's my part in that? I think that's so powerful and I see you guys model 16:42 that today thankfully through much better conflict. Um, but you still model 16:47 that heart posture. So, it obviously taught you something.
Do you like somebody bringing up your past or do you want solution?
And I I do think if we're fighting for something in a family or in a marriage, we actually shouldn't come to the table till we're ready for solution. And I and I know this is a problem for for me and John when we were first married because John was not liking any kind of conflict. And I was concerned about my idle word count. I was like, I don't want to talk right now because my idle word count is so high.
8:38 I want to be constructive and not reactive.
And so I think sometimes we we have to say to the 8:45 person, don't chase me around the house. I want to get resolution, but I need to 8:51 calm myself down emotionally so I can sit down and be logical and attack the 8:57 problem instead of being overwhelmed by my by my feelings. And so, but still 9:03 circle back to circle back in a way where I can say and I can say I can say 9:08 to my husband, you know what, John, I'm really upset about this, but I want to 9:16 work towards a solution. So, I can acknowledge that I'm upset about this. You can acknowledge with Ardan 9:22 that you're upset about something, but at the end of the day, do you want to just be upset or do you want there to be 9:29 resolution? And I think too many people, they stay in the upset. They stay in the punishment dome. Like, okay, for 9:35 example, for me, when I first when I first got married to John, there were there was some very serious breaches of 9:42 trust in our marriage. Um, and it it wasn't adultery, but it was it was 9:47 something that I had always said, if my husband ever does this, I will divorce him. And it was he was physically rough 9:54 with me. And he had hit me a couple times. And you know, here's the thing. I'm not a shrinking violet. So the first 10:00 time my husband hit me, I picked up the lamp and went after him. So he was like, I'm sorry. Laugh. It is pretty funny. 10:07 And I'm like, wow. Um, but I had made myself a promise growing up. Um, I will 10:13 not ever stay in an ab physically abusive household. And I think because John didn't know how to have a 10:19 constructive conversation and I didn't know to have a constructive conversation, he went into the physical 10:26 frustration realm. And and I and I know that sounds terrible. And I even have to 10:32 I even have to drag up these memories that used to be so on the forefront of my life. So we've been married 43 years 10:39 this year. This was the first three years. And and and I'm not saying it was 10:44 right away. I think it was year two and I had made myself uh a problem and I a 10:51 promise that if my husband ever if this is ever a problem it it it's it's a deal 10:56 breakaker and so I had read a book by Dr. Dobson called love must be tr tough and he talked about when you get in an 11:04 unhealthy pattern you end up enabling something and so I decided to bring it to a crisis and so John came home from 11:10 work and I locked him out and I like called I called out from the upstairs window and I said I don't know where 11:16 you're staying this weekend but it's not here and you're going to need to deal with this and and and I was serious and 11:24 he knew I was serious and and he went he went to somebody's house that beautiful 11:30 family friends that he just said, "I I just need to get away. I just need to pray." He didn't tell me what was going 11:35 on. And then as soon as I knew that John wasn't going to be there for Friday and Saturday, I told him he could come back 11:40 for church because we had to make a Christian appearance. Um, and we weren't in the ministry at the time. Uh, I I 11:47 said, "God, all right, I've got some options for you. You need you need to maybe give my husband a bad dream, maybe 11:54 a lightning strike. I don't want you to kill him because I don't have insurance on him." I mean, I was like I had and I had no children at the time. I was like, 12:01 "This needs to change. This needs to change." And and I remember being so 12:09 frustrated because John was completely wrong, but I wasn't making it easy for 12:18 him to move to a place of health and right. And I remember that every time I 12:26 had a fight with John, I didn't just fight about that incident. I thought about that incident and every incident 12:31 that reminded me of that incident going back to our dating days. I mean, I like the female way. Yeah. I I knew what I 12:37 was wearing. I knew what movie you're in the line for. I mean, it was like ridiculous. And so, I had like supernatural recall where I had all of 12:44 this stuff against John. And every time we had a disagreement, I put it all on the 12:50 table. and and I remember 12:55 uh God saying to me um I'm going to talk about you and he 13:02 was very clear like nope this is not healthy no this is not to be tolerated no you are not to be hurt no you do not 13:08 deserve to be hit no none of this is correct like he was like he wasn't like 13:14 you smarted off and you should have been hit none of that none of that none of that was um part of the conversation 13:21 But he did show me how I had dug a hole and put John in it that John felt like 13:27 he couldn't get out of and and and John had said he was sorry a bunch of times 13:33 and but then something would happen or or I would sometimes Christian I would just get scared something was going to 13:39 happen and then I would escalate it which is ridiculous but I did and again I'm trying to like pull from my memory 13:45 banks but I remember God said when John comes home. I want you to talk to him 13:52 and forgive him the way I forgive you. And you know, every time I've ever come to God and said, you know, I'm so sorry. 14:00 I come to you in the name of Jesus. Father, forgive me for A, B, and C. He's never said to me, you know what, Lisa, 14:07 I'll forgive you when you change. He always says, I believe you 14:13 want to change and I forgive you. I never sense guilt and 14:18 condemnation. I sense I sense a belief of better things. And so I was like, 14:24 "Okay, but there's there's all these things I haven't been able to bring up in a fight before that." And he was 14:29 like, "You're going to have to let go of all of those things. And when John comes home and you need to tell him that you 14:37 believe he wants to change and you forgive him." And I'm like, "Can I can I tell him everything I'm forgiving him of? could I like do the list like I 14:44 forgive you this and this and then there was that one time that you didn't know about and you did this and then and he 14:49 was like no no and I remember John came home and it 14:54 was so hard for me Christian because I had a mother that said to me I'll 15:00 forgive you when you change and I never felt empowered to change I felt like I 15:06 had to earn it earn it earn it earn it and so I remember I looked at my husband I said I believe you want to change and 15:13 I forgive you. And it was so scary, but it was also the end of something that was a very unhealthy pattern. And I 15:20 can't, like I said, I can't even I can barely remember it happening. And I and 15:26 I'm not, again, I'm not I'm not advocating any women stay in abusive situations or are at risk. I never was 15:33 at risk. I I it was it was like WWF wrestling with two stupid people. But um 15:42 I I I believe that forgiveness has to be the entryway to 15:49 healthy family conflict. We cannot bring our fears from our parents. We cannot 15:56 bring anything anybody else has ever done to us to the table. 16:01 Um we have to give everybody a chance to believe the best of them. Yeah. Which is 16:07 not easy. and why we're talking about this because I think some of us all want part of that but it's like how do we 16:14 take that usually the first hard step and when you're saying the story it just comes to mind of um I believe it's in 16:20 Matthew but blessed are the peace makers yes not the peacekeepers I always think 16:25 that's so interesting because it's just keeping the peace that's easy but a peacemaker is what I'm hearing you say 16:31 of okay I'm going to forgive I'm going to humble myself I'm going to not focus on the problem which was there and you 16:36 acknowledge but what's the answer and what's my part in that? I think that's so powerful and I see you guys model 16:42 that today thankfully through much better conflict. Um, but you still model 16:47 that heart posture. So, it obviously taught you something.
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